Thoughts

Category

Part 12: Yahweh Will Provide

This entire 12 part blog series was only ever about sharing how God provided. I knew I could never start with this post, and I am just now really writing it. I knew that the other parts had to be told for anyone to ever understand the entire story. I went from having an idol in my husband, and him abandoning me and letting me down, to finding out that only God will truly ever be there and HE will provide! I also never thought that this story would be used in my fight for cottage food law change in Kentucky! First, let me go back in time to October...

Part 11: Lies, Lies and More Lies

Standing on the other woman’s front porch that day in June of 2013, I couldn’t feel a thing.  I was by this point completely and totally numb inside.  The first time I had caught him cheating I felt a huge surge of emotions, almost more than I could handle.  The only thing I can compare it to is riding on a small raft out in the ocean during a storm.  Up and down, up and down.  This time I was flatlined.  I tried to get angry.  I yelled at some people leaving their homes and told them why I was standing there.  I felt nothing.  I took the .357 magnum out...

Part 10: A Leopard Never Changes It’s Spots

As the saying goes, a leopard never changes it’s spots. I had heard the saying yet truly believed that people could and are capable of change. The part I always missed was that those people have to want to change, otherwise the saying is spot on. I can’t tell you what to do and I can’t come live your life for you. No one could stop me from my stupidity either. We all have to make choices and live with them. I moved back in with Thomas and against my lawyer’s pleas stopped the divorce for a second time. This also meant that I had to write a letter to the...

Part 9: Only When I Walk Away

When I entered into a court room in August of 2013 to start my divorce up all over again the judge told us that we were now going to have to pay the “stupid tax”. He was right. Flashback to the Summer of 2012: on my 10 year anniversary I call the police, my husband goes to jail for slapping me, and I pack up and leave Jackson, TN to head for Illinois. It was late at night and I had 3 kids and a van loaded down with as much of our personal belongings that would stuff inside of a 2007 Honda Odyssey. Driving down the road I can remember...

Part 8: A Slap In The Face, Literally

This post is the one I’ve put off forever.  Abuse is never easy to talk about.  I’ll start with a disclaimer.  My abuse had happened the entire marriage, it wasn’t just a one time random thing, yet it wasn’t physically constant either.  I suffered from his mental abuse far more than physical, but I was always careful not to push certain buttons because I knew that if pushed hard enough there was violence lurking underneath.  After he cheated on me something inside of me died, in a good way.  At first I cared and wanted to be the best wife ever, and I just knew if I were better things...

Part 7: Gravity

When you cock a gun, you better be ready to pull the trigger, or basically don’t make threats that you can’t come through with. I always seemed to do this over and over in my marriage. I wanted him to change but I never could go through with my threats if he didn’t.  I was under the guise that no matter what, I was to do my part even if he didn’t. Stay the devoted wife that bends over backwards to make him happy, even if he’s leaving her home alone with three kids in a strange town while he runs wild. I even did this when I filed for...

Part 6: Jumping Ship

The whole month of February 2011 was dreadful.  As I sit here flipping my calendar pages filled with notes, it brings back so many sad memories.  To my husband, our house only had a revolving door.  He was mostly staying in Missouri at this point, and the very few moments he was at home were confusing.  There were a few good moments, but they would usually end in disappointment. I can vividly remember Super Bowl Sunday.  The day before had been my grandfather’s funeral.  My husband had wanted to go with me, and then the next day we sat around the house eating food and watching the football game.  In...

Part 5: The End Is Just The Beginning

The next few parts will be the hardest to write & explain, only because the whole first half of 2012 was nothing but complete chaos. What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from. ~ T. S. Eliot I was still entirely too optimistic about saving the sinking ship.  Even after he told me he no longer loved me, he somehow managed to convince me he wanted to try.  Marriage isn’t just something you throw away easily and I had to keep trying. Just weeks before at the end of November, he had sent...

Part 4: We Could’ve Had It All

Part 4: We Could’ve Had it All I don’t give up easily, and I really enjoy being challenged, which is maybe why I thought my marriage could be saved.  I knew I’d try harder than ever, give it my all, fix all the things that made him cheat on me. I dropped 20 pounds in one month on the “one-cracker-a-day-because-I’m-going-to-hurl-from-stress” diet.  So, score: I dropped all that baby weight from having his three kids and I’m not fat any more.  I made myself be more “fun” like he said she was.  I became more optimistic because that’s what he liked in her; she never complained. I obsessed day and night about...

Part 3: No Words

This may be the hardest part to post.  After re-reading this, I cried.  I don’t feel this way anymore, but I can still remember all those feelings like it was yesterday. Part 3: No Words This was written on October 15, 2011 (From my journal) It’s so cliché, but there really are no words to describe the pain I’m in, but I will try. It’s not so easy to describe all these emotions and box them up with a neat little bow because they span so many different events over the course of six months. From the moment I found the texts to this very day, my whole world has...