For a long, long time – more than two years now – I’ve gone through something that I think is quite worse than a death. I’m finally ready to share it with you. This first part begins when my whole world fell apart. This is from my journal. Maybe it can help someone else.
October 15, 2011
Part 1: Deception and Lies
Two months ago today, my life forever changed. The husband I thought I had became nothing more than a myth. I wish I could say that day that I was entirely in shock at the messages I found, but I was not. I was in a state of shock since I was finally confronted face to face with the truth, but I knew in my heart for months that something was wrong.
The actual horror of it all began on May 11, 2011.
I found 826 text messages to another woman. Instantly my stomach ached and my heart sank and I felt sick inside. After that, I was sick for days, then weeks and months. I tried on numerous occasions to get across to my husband that messaging another woman was putting our marriage in great danger. At times, I would think I got through to him, but unbeknownst to me, my feeble attempts at waving red flags were already too late.
During the course of May to August I was in utter turmoil. At times, I believed he had stopped communicating with her, but then I would find that he had new ways of communicating, such as an instant messenger application on his phone. I found that he called her – before calling me – on the day he found out some of the most important news of his life (that he gotten into CRNA school). And then I later found out the truth, that was the day the sexual part of the affair began.
To say I was devastated is to almost simplify my pain. From the point I found out about the text messages to the day that I found conclusive proof, my emotions were on a roller coaster. I knew in my heart that something was terribly wrong and sometimes I thought he might be having an affair, but then I would always say, “He’s too good of a guy, and he would never do that to me.” “He loves me, he wouldn’t do that.” I really couldn’t imagine the man I loved so much doing such a selfish horrible thing to our kids and me. But the clues and feelings just wouldn’t stop, and his behavior and attitudes about things such as going out to bars and his amount of cussing changed. He also had a newfound appreciation for the people he worked with. People about whom, in the past, he had talked so low and said were so trashy he was now calling friends and hanging out with as much as he could. Something was not right.
The biggest blow to me personally was the fact that my feelings about his constant communication and interaction with another woman were always thrown away and I was treated as if my opinions and even who I was as his wife was not valued, when I was supposed to be the love of his life, the most important person in the world to him. I became extremely depressed. I wanted to run away or get as far away from the pain I was in as possible. I felt at that point that I was not important to my own husband anymore and that all I was was a huge problem and weight around his neck. That was the lowest point in my whole life. Anytime I would ask him about his secret relationship, he would become defensive and say, “You don’t trust me, I’ve never done anything for you not to trust me!” And then I would feel absolutely awful.
I began to feel as if I were more of a burden to him than anything else. I can’t even remember how many times he looked me directly in the eyes and told me nothing was going on between them. I can’t remember how many times he was late getting home from work after being with her and how I was lied to and told he was just working late, or some other lame excuse. I can’t tell you how big of a fool I feel for believing every single one of those lies!
It also took a lot for me to not just go out and start up a friendly relationship of my own with some man. I would think, “What if I was doing this, how would he feel? Maybe I should start texting some guy and see how he likes it.” But every time I would go to that place, I would have to stop myself because I knew it was wrong. Revenge is never the answer. I turned to God so many times in those moments.
I had a slight sliver of hope one evening when we had what I thought was a great talk about his communication to the woman and our relationship. On that night he looked me right in the eyes and yet again lied, telling me she was nothing to him and that there was nothing going on. He told me how much I meant to him and he agreed to stop texting her altogether. Then I went on vacation and while I was away found several messages to her again. This clued me in that our talk meant nothing and that my opinion was yet again not valued to him. I absolutely dreaded going on vacation. I still had no proof that anything physical had happened, all I knew was that there was some type of emotional thing going on that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. I kept worrying that by me going out of town on vacation that it would open up a great opportunity for him and her to get together. At moments like that, I just had to ask God for help. I knew that no matter where I was or what I did, he and his decisions were out of my control. It did not matter if I was at home or twelve hours away in Gulf Shores, Alabama, if it was going to happen, it would happen. While I was gone, my husband’s behavior seemed odd. He would text me at strange times of the day when he should have been sleeping, and he was always running around and going out to eat. He was also not a bit concerned with the amount of money I was spending on the trip. The only mention of it to me was “Don’t make me broke.” And he was very concerned if I was having a good time. Always telling me that I deserved a vacation and just to relax and enjoy myself, not at all him. I tried not to worry too much on vacation, but my heart was so heavy.
Before I left, I knew that on this vacation I was going to have to do some heavy thinking about my marriage. It didn’t seem worth it anymore. The man that I had fallen in love with was someone else. He was no longer the honest, caring, God-fearing man he had once been. His morals and attitude about things had changed. He was treating me as if I meant nothing to him and it had gone on for three months to no avail and I was more than over it and seriously considering separation and even divorce. I laid on the balcony of our condo one night and cried out to God. I asked him to please put an end to all of the chaos that my marriage was going through. I told him that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I know he heard me, because within a short span of time as I laid there I saw two shooting stars, which is one of the ways God talks to me. I had no idea of what I was coming home to face …