To understand me now, you must understand what I’ve been through. This is in no way to bash my ex-husband. I can’t talk about who I am now as a person and what I’ve learned without giving you a glimpse of where I’ve came from. I wish more than anything that this wasn’t a part of my story, but unfortunately it is. The last two years forever changed who I am, and – as odd as it sounds – I would never take back August 15, 2011, or the following months for any amount of money on the planet.
Part 2: From Darkness to Light
Written on October 15, 2011 (From my journal)
On August 15, 2011, my husband was yet again late getting home from work. When he came in, he was very cocky and talking about the softball game playoffs and how his team was going to win. It was a fairly normal day for us now. I went and snuggled in the bed with him and when he fell asleep took his phone.
There were a few odd messages on it to another one of his trashy female co-workers about hunting and how maybe she and the woman he constantly texted could go out together and hunt. Something about this message struck me the wrong way and I couldn’t get over it. Why on earth would he go out alone in the woods with two females if they were just friends? How could he not see how wrong this was? I put the phone down on several occasions but just kept coming back to that strange message. I finally couldn’t stop myself any longer, I figured out a way to hack into his instant messenger email account. What stared back at me from the screen changed my life forever.
I get sick now even thinking about that day and the first few messages I read. They were of great concern for the woman. About how she was sick and how he wished he could take her pain away. He would be sick for her if he could. I was numb. I was sick. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I sat there hoping so bad that that was all it was – purely emotional – and he just really cared for her.
Then I clicked on a different message, one that told in great detail of their sexual encounters. I was stunned and bewildered. Who was this man I married? What happened to my husband, the most decent, honest, loving, and hard working man I knew who had cared so much for his wife and family? Where was that man? I gently woke him up that day by beating him with a foam baseball bat and yelling, “I hate you!” I read every single message and he truthfully disgusted me, I wanted to vomit.
I felt as if I were on a sea of emotions. I was numb, and then I’d get so angry I could kill, and then I would just sit and cry. Nothing made sense anymore and the life I thought I had and the husband I thought I had was gone; it was like a death. The marriage I thought I had was dead.
I had to know every detail. I don’t know why, but at that time it gave me some understanding of what my life was now and a weird comfort. It was my way of trying to make sense of it and grasp hold of the truth: that my husband had really been unfaithful. I was still in shock. He told me that most of his messages to her were lies.
The messages contained things like how he wished they were married. How it was too bad that they were already married because if they weren’t, they could be together. How he’d love to take her on exotic vacations and to Busch Stadium to watch baseball and Six Flags. How with their combined resources they could have so much together. That he wished that he had known that there was a girl like her living so close by when he was younger. Younger as in when he was dating me? I still have trouble believing those were lies. I believe out of the mouth the heart speaks.
He told her how much he cared for her when she was sick and how he wished he could come over and pamper her until she felt better. He even offered to bring her Sprite. The most important message to me that clued me in on what it was all about was the very last message; it spoke the loudest. He questioned her about the feelings he felt and she said it was excitement. Then she went on to say that another co-worked told her that he loved her. I guess this woman could tell that my husband cared for this woman by just being around them at work. She then asked him if he did and he told her he doesn’t want to make her speechless again (Gag!), and she said okay, we can leave it at that. It makes me physically sick.
He constantly told her how beautiful and sexy she was and how he liked how they shared their bodies with no protection. All these messages were just a week’s worth, while I was gone on vacation; I can only imagine how the last four months sounded. At one point, he even went out of his way and drove to her home to take her kids milk because she left her milk in the car to ruin.
To say by reading this I did not feel loved and valued is an understatement. What was so wrong with me that he didn’t tell me these things, or love me in this kind of way that he was willing to woo me all over again? Why did I not matter anymore?
My self-esteem became very low. It’s was as if all the last nine years were nothing more than a sham. All the love I gave him, and all the time I spent trying to be a good wife to him meant nothing. I felt as if all the hard work and raising of kids and taking care of him were of no value …