This may be the hardest part to post. After re-reading this, I cried. I don’t feel this way anymore, but I can still remember all those feelings like it was yesterday.
Part 3: No Words
This was written on October 15, 2011 (From my journal)
It’s so cliché, but there really are no words to describe the pain I’m in, but I will try. It’s not so easy to describe all these emotions and box them up with a neat little bow because they span so many different events over the course of six months.
From the moment I found the texts to this very day, my whole world has been turned on its head. What security I thought I had, and the marriage I thought I had is forever gone. No matter how bad I want to wake up from this nightmare right now, the reality is that will never happen. My husband took something very important and sacred away from me that I will never regain. He has ripped my heart out of my chest and completely crushed it. He meant the world to me, and was my first and only love. To know that my love was not enough for him and that I am not the only woman he has now had feelings for is almost more than I can handle sometimes. To know that for the rest of our marriage I will not have been his only love and the only woman he gave his body to is a huge blow, not only to something so sacred as a marriage, but to my self-confidence and trust in him.
I did not deserve this. No one deserves this kind of pain. The man who is supposed to lead and protect his family is the man who has done the most damage and caused the most pain. The hurt and pain I feel at times is so unbearable I feel as if I am being suffocated below the water and can find no way to surface. In those moments, I want to find the front door and run and never stop. It hurts so badly and I can’t get away from it because it’s in my head and always with me. During those times I’ve even asked God to let me die so the pain will end.
Every time I look at him I am faced with what he did. I try so hard to push it out of my head, but there are little reminders everywhere. It’s humiliating that this has happened to me and I feel like the biggest fool in the world at times. Who stays married to a man who has hurt them so badly? It was so confusing when it all first happened because as much as I wanted to hate him and leave him, that much more I still loved him and wanted to forgive him and I couldn’t figure out why. The man had done me so wrong yet I still wanted him to wrap his strong arms around me and comfort me in the worst moment of my life. I felt, and at times still feel like a huge fool. I desperately wanted to forgive him and I am still in that process. I wish I were able to forgive and move on and never remember like God does but unfortunately I am unable to do that, I am only human. I am deeply grieving the loss of the marriage as I knew it and the vows that have been broken and promises not kept. If this were just a trust issue it would be so simple. I desperately wish that is all it was. I wish I could say that I see progress but I don’t.
My husband needs God more than anything and I long to see him crying out to Him and letting God work in his life again. What I am seeing is a very guarded hardhearted person who is making me second-guess my love for him. He’s told me I need to work out my issues with this and all my problems on my own. I feel as if he wants to take no responsibility for the pain he has caused. He wants me to stop talking about it when it’s all that’s on my mind. I want this to work and I want to fix our marriage and in order for that to happen, this issue has to be addressed head-on.
Sometimes, when we are in Tennessee during the week, I start to feel good again, but every time I come back to Missouri and he goes to Cape to work in that building where she is also working and where it all started, all the pain comes rushing back like a tidal wave of emotion and bad memories.
I want to heal so badly. I need more than anything right now for him to have a humble and repentant spirit about what has happened. Instead, I get a lot of why-can’t-you-trust-me’s and I-am-not-going-to-check-in-with-you-forever’s. He is very defensive and it makes me wonder if he’s truly sorry about the pain he’s caused – that I have to live with – or if he’s just sorry I caught him. I also wonder if he can even sympathize with me and the pain I am in. He told me he may not even trust me this time next year with his personal thoughts and feelings, yet I am supposed to be over this and trying to trust him more again. He wanted to take the woman’s pain away when she was sick and be sick for her. Where is that same concern for me, his wife? Does he not want my pain to go away and be a part of the healing process?
I’m trying so hard to move on and let God have control of this situation, but my husband has to be a part of the process for us to rebuild our marriage. This is not the kind of problem that can just be pushed down and calloused over in your heart. Each day does get a little better, but what I am looking for is for my marriage to be rebuilt, yet I feel like we are just getting further and further away from each other.
None of what I have written here really makes me feel I have even slightly touched the way I am hurting. When I cry and my whole body shakes and trembles from the pain, I know that is the kind of pain that only God can understand. This can be fixed because my Redeemer lives!
This quote from the book Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken sums up what I need from my husband.
“It’s about a husband who wants to ensure that his wife’s heart is safe, so he humbles himself and asks for help along the way.” (P. 104)
This is talking about Cindy’s husband still checking in when he will be late even though it has been nine years. When I read this I broke down and sobbed and cried so hard. It’s been nine years and her husband still knows she is dealing with the pain. It’s been two months for me and my husband thinks I should be over it by now!