Part 5: The End Is Just The Beginning

The next few parts will be the hardest to write & explain, only because the whole first half of 2012 was nothing but complete chaos.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from. ~ T. S. Eliot

I was still entirely too optimistic about saving the sinking ship.  Even after he told me he no longer loved me, he somehow managed to convince me he wanted to try.  Marriage isn’t just something you throw away easily and I had to keep trying.

Just weeks before at the end of November, he had sent me a sweet text message.  Because of this text I hung onto the hope that maybe he lied when he said he didn’t love me.  At one point I even printed it out and kept it by my bed.

“I want u to know that I love u so much. I don’t need anyone in this world like I need u. I’m not a very emotional or touchy feely person so I don’t say it a lot but it’s true. I always will love u. We have been through so much together and done so much. No matter what happened or who came and went I always knew that u wld b right by my side. I am truly sorry for the hurt I have caused u. Please forgive me. I am doing everything I can to regain ur trust. I am proud to call u my wife and flattered to call myself ur husband. I will never walk away from our relationship no matter how hard it gets. U mean too much to me to walk away from. I love our little family and want to be able to give the kids the best life possible and that is with a mommy and a daddy together. I love u. Sleep well. I will see u in the morning.”

Christmas of 2011 was one of the worst holidays of my life.  After the kids woke us up at 5 am to open their gifts, my husband spent the rest of his day lying in bed, sleeping and watching t.v.  I ended up alone on the couch watching Christmas movies, two hours away from all my friends and family.  By the end of the week,  I informed my husband that I wanted to separate.  He had claimed he wanted to work on the marriage, but one week later there was still no effort on his part.

I still had high hopes for the year 2012, hope that when his school started and things settled down that life would go back to “normal”.  In December he had had to quit his job working close to the other woman because he was starting school, and I thought that would finally put an end to all my troubles.  Now that he was not working in Missouri, I also thought that that would end anyone from our house having to go there for any reason, but he still found so many reasons to go.  We never officially separated, and by January our marriage was more tumultuous than ever.  I was more suspicious of him than ever too.  He had already changed passwords to accounts, and now had a password on his phone.  I began to secretly call divorce lawyers to find out my options.

One morning in early January, he awoke and told me he was going to school for a test, a school that was less than a mile from our house.  Later that evening around 7:30 p.m., he returned and had a Buffalo Wild Wings cup in his hand.  I asked him how his test was, and then asked if he had eaten with his classmates.  He said no, and that he had eaten with his cousin.  “Your cousin came to Jackson?,” I asked.  “No,” he said, “I ate with him in Cape.”  I found out that he had driven to Cape that day to go to a dentist appointment.  I was stunned, and he had basically lied to me making me think the whole time he was just across the street.

That same week I figured out a way around the password on his cell phone.  I took the phone one night while he was sleeping and stumbled upon some very interesting files.  He had done a search on Google for “Are FaceTime calls archived”, which made me start to understand all those really long trips to the gym with the free wi-fi, that was literally right across the street.  I could even see him in the window at times just sitting in a chair.  There were also some strange photos.  One was of him laying on our couch and smiling really big for the camera.  I found it kind of odd and out of character for him.  The second was of a woman I vaguely recognized and her son.  I’m not certain now how I knew who she was, but somehow I had seen her before and even knew her name.  I Googled her and found an old wedding announcement.  I then realized that she had also previously worked with my husband, and at one point I had even read some flirtatious texts between the two.  At 2 a.m. I laid in bed finding it very hard to fall asleep.

The next day I tried to figure out what was going on, and had decided that I would tell him I wanted a divorce.  That night I gave him a letter and then expressed my feelings to him.  He left, and once gone called me promising me that yet again he would change.  I still loved him so hearing it yet again, I told him to come home.  This time I expected him to come through with the promises.  He hadn’t been in our home 20 minutes before I realized it was a mistake.  The next day he went to church with us for the first time in months, and acted completely normal.  Later that evening after he left for school to go and study, I received an email from him.  The email stated his feelings and he basically informed me that he wasn’t changing a thing.  I was so confused.

After this when he wasn’t in class or had a real reason to be in Jackson he would leave and go to Missouri, basically abandoning the kids and I down there in a strange town where we knew no one, all alone.  On January 31, 2012 he got his old job back in Cape working with not only the first woman, but also the woman in the photo that I had found on his phone.  I literally begged him one night to reconsider the job.  I was desperate, still not seeing that the real issue was him.

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