The whole month of February 2011 was dreadful. As I sit here flipping my calendar pages filled with notes, it brings back so many sad memories. To my husband, our house only had a revolving door. He was mostly staying in Missouri at this point, and the very few moments he was at home were confusing. There were a few good moments, but they would usually end in disappointment.
I can vividly remember Super Bowl Sunday. The day before had been my grandfather’s funeral. My husband had wanted to go with me, and then the next day we sat around the house eating food and watching the football game. In my head things were actually going fairly well. As soon as the game was over he sat in the office chair and just had the strangest, saddest look on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he felt anxious inside and just had to leave. He proceeded to argue with me, then packed a bag and left. I still don’t understand that.
Towards the end of February I planned for us to be kid free in Jackson and spend some time together. I was hoping that maybe this would give us time to reconnect somehow. About an hour into our time, before the kids were even dropped off, my husband got a phone call. I found out that his sister had just been told by her husband that he wanted a divorce. After finding this news out, my husband’s whole attitude changed for the worse, almost like it was making him think more about our relationship and how miserable I could already tell he was.
One rainy day in March while sitting in the living room, on one of the rare occasions that he was home, my husband revealed how miserable he was. That’s when I just outright asked him if he wanted to end it. It was the only time that he would ever admit to me that he did. He then left our house, and I started getting texts about how everything would end, and how we should divide things up.
“I’m not gonna cut and run on you. I realize I have responsibilities. I’m not gonna completely strip everything I have been providing for you overnight and expect you to fend for yourself and the kids from the start. We will make sure you have what you need to provide for the kids and to keep them safe. Im not taking your van away. we will sit down and talk about how we can fairly divide things so each one gets what they need. I don’t hate you and I’m not gonna put the screws to you. My proposal is: I will find a place in Jackson, MO and move us there over my 2 week summer break. You can live there for a few months until you get some money saved ahead. I will cont to pay the bills. After the agreed upon time for you to find another place you will be responsible for all your bills. I will cont to make your van payment and when it is paid off I will sign it over to you. I will also pay the insurance on it until it is paid off. I will cont to pay ur student loan because we used most of that money to live on when we were in undergrad school. What wld be ur proposal?”
I remember not wanting to give a “proposal” back because I like to think things through, and I also knew he’d save whatever I wrote. At first I didn’t know what to think of his proposal. Like the time he asked me to marry him, I should have just said “no”.
This whole time from February to March, I was obviously still suspicious of him and there was no way around it. I had still not forgotten about the woman in the photo that I had found in his phone’s files. One day I decided to call her up. She didn’t answer, so I left her a friendly message to call me back. I was on the phone to a friend when her call came through. What I found extremely odd was that right when she called, my husband suddenly appeared at our home, in our hallway demanding to know who I was talking to. I didn’t switch over and kept talking to my friend. My husband made some excuse about coming home to get a water bottle (apparently we kept those in the hallway), and then left. After he left I called the woman back. I asked her why her photo was on his phone and she proceeded to give me a handful of lies; she didn’t know him, never talked to him, and had no idea why her photo would be on his phone. The facts: she worked right with him in the ICU, I had seen texts to and from both of them to the other, and they were Facebook friends. I hung up.
Later that day, because I knew he’d find out anyway, I told my husband that I had called the woman who’s photo had been on his phone. He completely flipped out. Listen ladies, if your man ever has a problem with you calling anyone and asking them a question, then it’s over. If what someone at work thinks of your husband is more important to him than what his own wife thinks or even suspects, then it is over. That is never ok.
You never forget the day you walk into a lawyers office, after making the decision to end something you thought was forever. I’ll also never forget that sick feeling after I walked out to my car, and all the questions in my head. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, yet I also knew the marriage was completely toxic and nothing I did anymore made it better. I also knew that we would never end things amicably on our own…..