When you cock a gun, you better be ready to pull the trigger, or basically don’t make threats that you can’t come through with. I always seemed to do this over and over in my marriage. I wanted him to change but I never could go through with my threats if he didn’t. I was under the guise that no matter what, I was to do my part even if he didn’t. Stay the devoted wife that bends over backwards to make him happy, even if he’s leaving her home alone with three kids in a strange town while he runs wild. I even did this when I filed for divorce. I knew the marriage was over but even after filing held out hope that we could work it out.
When I filed for divorce I took half the money from our bank account. Did you catch that part, OUR bank account. The account that he always mistakingly thought was his just because he had a paying job. I did this in part because he kept threatening me for weeks that he was going to cut me off, and because he would up and leave me alone in Jackson, TN with three children and drive over two hours away back to Missouri to his Momma’s house. Taking that money made my life hell on earth. One day it was time for me to go and pick the kids up from school. He had been in Missouri for days and as far as I knew was still there. When I came home from picking the kids up, they ran inside the house and I heard them exclaim, “Daddy!”. I was shocked, his car was nowhere in sight, and I knew this could not be good. When I had left the house I had been working on my computer and also had a bag of important papers on the couch, when I came back to the house all of that was gone. My stomach had that feeling like the bottom had dropped out of it. I asked him where my computer was but he kept denying that he had taken it, and he kept saying he wanted his money back. He then grabs the wallet out of my purse and runs into the bathroom locking the door behind him. I realize at this point that things could get even uglier and decide to call the police to keep things from escalating. He comes out of the bathroom and then goes to the garage and gets in my van and starts backing it down the driveway. I chase after him begging him to stop and not leave me without a vehicle two hours away from any family or friends. He stops the van at the end of the driveway, we argue some more, and about that time the police show up. I tell them how he stole my computer and how he’s trying to take my only source of transportation. That’s the first time I find out that when you are married to someone they can basically steal everything you own and their isn’t a freaking thing you can do about it. I felt so helpless. (That’s also when Emily wrote this post). He then left. I thought he was gone and I was relieved, but then he came back. After all of that drama he then proceeded to try and win me over and when he got his way he left. He left me there in Tennessee again with three kids to run off to Missouri, only this time I was more confused than ever. I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep.
For weeks he’d come and go. For a while I thought he was coming around because he wanted to be there, but then one day he came over and said he wanted to take the kids to the park. After our outing we came home and as we were sitting on the couch he tells me he needs to pay the insurance on the van, and that he needs the money I took. I told him no. He became furious and stormed out of the house. Less than an hour later he calls me on the phone trying to get me to give him the money again, only this time when I refuse he threatens to hit me in the face and tells me that his affair was “Fun”. Not knowing if he will come back to our house again, or what state he’s even in, I call the police and file a complaint in case things escalate. I then decide to file an order of protection because he has a history of becoming violent towards me. The same day I file the order and it becomes active, he sends me a text telling me he’d like to work things out. “Oh no, what have I done?”, I think to myself.
Over the Easter weekend of that year, I did my best to convince my husband that we should stay married and stop the divorce process. (I know how pathetic that sounds, it was even more pathetic in person.) The man wouldn’t even take me to his work’s Easter egg hunt with our children, because I called one of the women that he worked with about her photo on his phone and because the other woman he professed his love to would be there. He told me he didn’t want to be seen with me. He even looked me in the eyes that weekend and told me that he just wasn’t in love with me, but I persisted on. I’m hopeless, and really thought if he’d just try it could be saved. What I still wasn’t understanding was that he didn’t want to try. He did agree to go before the judge and put our divorce on hold for 6 months. What I didn’t find out until months later was that he had emailed his lawyer stating that he wanted to put the divorce on hold until it was “more convenient for his situation”. Also, part of his willingness to “work it out” revolved around us exchanging the money I took from our bank account in exchange for my computer. I agreed and got my computer back, and gave him the money I took.
For the whole month of April, anytime I needed something I had to call him and have him get it or go find him and get money from him because he “didn’t trust me” enough to put me on a bank account with him. The more the weeks dragged on the more I realized that trying to reconcile was a huge mistake. He’d come home saying strange things and just wasn’t acting like himself. I thought maybe the stress from school and his own created stress by driving two hours away to work and play was getting to him, on top of our family life being a complete mess. He came home one day telling me that he had seen the other woman’s husband at Buffalo Wild Wings and had gotten in the man’s face and threatened him. I was completely appalled. I told him he was wrong and that he had no idea what he had done to that man. Later I even sent the guy and email apologizing for my husbands crude actions, but he never replied.
Then there was my birthday. That day I thought he had planned on being with me, but after his school classes that day he comes home saying he’s leaving early for work. When I ask him why, he tells me that he’s going early to go to the bank and eat lunch with his cousin. I tell him that I’m disappointed because I thought we were going to go get lunch to celebrate my birthday. He then looks me right in the eyes and tells me that my birthday is no more special than any other day and it is “just the day that gravity pushed me from my mother’s uterus.” At that point I was glad to see him go.